Because your spouse has violated their vows to you, your life has changed. After all, they are the one who caused all of this. They should be the one who fixes it. Unfortunately, taking this stance cements you in the role of being a victim and held hostage by the actions of your spouse. And that will just prolong your pain.
So, despite your fears, you must become courageous. Develop the courage to move forward , push past your fears, and claim the new normal life that you want. Before their infidelity, you trusted your spouse with all your secrets. They would help make things better again when you felt bad. They would celebrate with you when things were good. Was he lying when he said, "I love you"?
Every moment of your past together is now suspect. When you experience losses of the magnitude you are, grief is normal. You jump to the conclusion that you must be lacking in some fundamental way because your spouse chose to be with this other person instead of you.
And you might even start loathing yourself. The interplay between emotional experiences and physical consequences is an increasing area of scientific interest. For centuries, we've looked at experiencing happiness, pain, and grief as somehow ethereal and separate from the bodily and, in a lot of cases, therefore less "real" or "legit".
But we're gradually building a different map of emotions in the 21st century that integrates the two: as it turns out, being romantically rejected stimulates the release of specific hormonal chemicals , engages certain pain receptors, impacts addictive neural pathways and future reasoning — and that may only be skimming the surface.
An important note: this stuff doesn't apply to people who are non-monogamous — because these reactions aren't somehow connected to the act of being with someone besides your partner; they're tied to the emotional implications of infidelity in monogamous relationships.
For the monogamous person, having a partner engage in an activity that you personally define as "cheating" generally means feeling rejection, betrayal and a diminishing of the relationship. For the non-monogamous person, the phenomenon of "compersion," or learning how to get pleasure from a lover's experience with somebody else, creates an atmosphere in which other relationships are celebrated rather than a cause for jealousy. Our brain's suffering and upset around infidelity stems from our value systems; change the value system, and the impact is different.
Here are five ways our brains react to a partner's infidelity. No, the urge to sell all their belongings at a tag sale while they're at work is not covered, so don't try to blame that one on your body chemistry. This one isn't about infidelity specifically; rather, any kind of heartbreak can induce pain.
It turns out that breakups, dumpings, and romantic betrayals are both emotionally and physically painful — because they activate the parts of our brains that react to physical discomfort. The now-famous study that discovered this was conducted by the University of Michigan, and it was perhaps a bit cruel and unusual: the researchers looked at volunteers' brain scans as they experienced a mild physical burn, and then as they looked at pictures of recent exes.
The result? The same parts of the brain — the secondary somatosensory cortex and the dorsal posterior insula — lit up in both instances. These areas are connected to the processing of pain sensations, and it appears that they're also part of our discomfort at "social exclusion" or "rejection," whether by friends or by a partner.
For monogamous people, infidelity is a rejection of our core value as a partner, and that's why it hurts like hell. It turns out that our physical responses to infidelity in relationships are mediated by gender, but we're still figuring out exactly why that is. A study of people in Toronto was designed to prove a hypothesis: the researchers thought men would feel guiltier about engaging in emotional cheating , and women would feel guiltier about sexual infidelity. Leave the dramatic public displays of rage for the movies; instead, let off steam at the gym, on a jog or dancing to a killer playlist.
Take as much time out as you need to make the choice that feels right for you. It can be tempting to put your FBI skills to the test and trawl through social media. Not only that, give social media a break for a little while. Professional psychologists recommend talking to a doctor as an important part of moving on from cheating.
Whether you do it together with your partner or solo, getting an expert opinion from someone outside the situation can be a game-changer for healing. Gossip has never made any situation better. Having all the right intel will set you up to handle the situation like a boss.
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