Most people who have affairs are in love with their original partners. What they are is human, and even the good ones will make catastrophic mistakes sometimes. We all will. Relationships change shape over time and with that, sometimes the very human needs that we all have will get left behind.
These needs include validation, love, connection, affection, intimacy and nurturing — but there are plenty more. This is no excuse for an affair, but understanding what drove the affair is key to being able to move forward. Affairs will mean the end of some relationships. For some people this will be enough. For others, an affair can be a turning point, an opportunity to grow separately and together, and reconnect in a way that is richer, stronger, closer and more sustainable.
For this to happen, it will take time, reflection, brutal honesty and an almighty push from both people. Sometimes an affair is a symptom of breakage, as much as a cause. There are plenty of other ways to hurt a relationship — withholding love, affection or approval, a lack of physical or emotional intimacy, and negativity, judgement , or criticism.
All of us, even the most loving, committed devoted of us will do these things from time to time. There is no doubt that infidelity is a devastating act of betrayal, but it can also be an expression of loss or loneliness, or the need for novelty, autonomy, power, intimacy, affection, or the need to feel loved, wanted and desired. These are all valid, important needs and in no way represent a neediness or lack of self-reliance. They are the reasons we come together, fall in love and fight to stay in love.
They are also the reason relationships fall apart. We humans exist at our very best when we are connected with other humans, especially ones that we love and adore and feel connected to. The needs for human connection, intimacy, love, and validation are primal. They can be ignored, pushed down, or denied, but they will never disappear. These needs are so important, that if they remain unmet for too long, they will create a tear in the relationship wide enough for someone else to walk through and claim the opportunity to meet those needs that, when met, can fuel intimacy, desire, alchemy, and attraction.
When an important need remains unmet, there are two options — and only two. It will be this way for all of us. If the person having the affair could have anything, it would most likely be to have the person they love — the one they are hurting — to be the one to meet the need.
And needs get hungry and people get tempted. For a relationship to heal from betrayal, there is a need for brutal honesty from both people.
If a relationship has been devastated by an affair, healing will take a lot of reflection on what went wrong, and what is needed to make it better, but if both people believe the relationship is worth fighting for, it can find its way back. It will hurt a lot less and it will do less damage to your relationship. If the affair is genuinely finished, the one who has been hurt will need ongoing confirmation of this for a while.
Probably for a long while. Some questions to explore together:. Healing can only begin when the person who has had the affair owns what has happened, and shows regret and remorse, not just for the damage and pain the affair has caused, but for starting the affair in the first place.
Is there a chance of love and connection? Or will it only ever be one of convenience and a way to meet mutually shared goals, such as raising children. For a relationship to work, the needs of each person have to be compatible. The truth is that sometimes, people outgrow relationships. Sometimes letting go with love and strength is better than letting the relationship dies a slow, bitter death.
For the relationship to heal, and for there to be any chance of forgiveness, there has to be an understanding of how both people may have contributed to the problem. What was missing in the relationship and how can that change? This is not to excuse the person who had the affair. Not at all. Let your energy turn to an honest and open exploration of the motive behind the affair. It is about responsibility, as in response-ability — the ability to respond.
Healing will happen if both people can own their part in this. Many hard conversations will need to happen. As much as you are able to, try to be open to hearing the information and make it safe to explore. This is the information that will grow your relationship and repair the holes that have made it vulnerable.
This was vital information that fuelled the affair, sustained it, and drained your relationship. This is the information you need to know for the relationship to get its power back.
Sometimes it becomes a case of either not being able to meet the need, or resentment and hurt wiping out the desire to even try. Both people need to honestly look at what they want from the relationship and what they are able to give to the relationship moving forward.
If this is the case, be honest. To the one who has had the affair: Now is your time to stand guard over the boundaries of your relationship.
As with any trauma, finding out about an affair will create massive potential for the trauma to be re-experienced over and over. Let me explain. These feelings might include panic, sadness, fear, anger, suspicion, loneliness, loss. This will keep happening until the trust has been restored. I didn't give her an ultimatum, I even said if she still wanted to drink I'd happily go out with her and be her DD and her moral compass, considering none of her drinking 'friends' would be.
She admitted she made a mistake and knew why it was a big deal. World globe An icon of the world globe, indicating different international options. Get the Insider App. Click here to learn more.
A leading-edge research firm focused on digital transformation. Chelsea Greenwood. When someone cheats , it can be very difficult for the individuals in a relationship to recover. You might confront your spouse immediately, irate at what you have learned, or you might wait to find your evidence to suggest that something has gone awry. In this scenario, your spouse can certainly deny that they have done anything wrong, and it may be nothing but a lingering suspicion.
You might also hope that you are wrong, somehow, and confront your spouse with the hope or expectation that they deny everything, and your life gets back to normal. Having your spouse come to you with the news that they have cheated does not afford you the same distance and the chance to compose yourself that the previous two scenarios offer, but does offer a greater likelihood of resolution. Regardless of the exact mode of delivery of the news, emotional upset, fear, and distrust are sure to follow.
Although infidelity is an obvious source of distrust in a relationship, the emotional repercussions of being cheated on are significant and can extend far beyond whether or not you trust your spouse. After all, you might reason; how could you not have known that something so monumental was going on? Aside from losing all sense of trust, the betrayal involved in infidelity is substantial. Even a minor betrayal can wreak havoc on your physical and mental state and can even lead to feelings and symptoms similar to those of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Betrayal can cause immense stress levels to arise and make you feel as though you cannot trust anyone or anything. Betrayal can also bring a lot of shame with it, as you might feel foolish and humiliated for being treated that way by your spouse. You might feel as though you should have been better, somehow skinnier, perhaps, or more interesting, or better at staying on top of the bills. The self-blame cycle is difficult to leave behind, but it is important to stay away from it.
To achieve this, though, couples must be willing to take action to keep their marriage afloat. These include:. Reconciliation is no longer a small subset within marriages but is an increasingly common response to cheating. Because the dissolution of a marriage is often not only the dissolution of a single relationship, but the termination of a family, the separation of property, and the letting-go of entire social circles and support systems, many couples are opting to learn how to make their relationship work, rather than seeking a divorce.
The ability to reconcile is largely dependent on circumstances and the two people involved. The number of incidents may factor into whether or not reconciliation is possible; there is a distinct difference between habitual infidelity and a long string of affairs and a single indiscretion.
If your wife has made a habit of stepping outside of your marriage to engage in emotional, physical, or otherwise-reconciliation may be unlikely. A regular stream of affairs could indicate that your spouse suffers from sexual addiction, is no longer in love, or seeks something outside of your marriage that she cannot find inside your marriage.
What if I told you how to forgive a cheating wife and simultaneously heal your marriage? Or do you believe that full forgiveness really is possible? You may be tempted to fill yourself with regret for ever marrying your wife, but the fact of the matter is that everyone makes mistakes, both men and women.
They say that an affair is the worst thing you can do to another person , and honestly I agree for the most part. In all my experiences, YES, you can love your wife again with true passion and desire.
You will fully forgive your cheating spouse.
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